Make Feedback Easier (by stopping people pleasing and being too nice)
“The more we try to please other people and make them happy, the more we will suffer, because we are ignoring our own needs.”
- Dr. Aziz Gazipura
Why is giving feedback so hard?
The majority of my coaching clients have challenges with giving direct feedback and being comfortable with conflict. Two books shifted my entire perspective on giving feedback:
As a recovering people pleaser, I’m excited to share the learnings on giving feedback and being too nice (ruinous empathy).
How to stop being a people pleaser
People pleasing comes from the internal desire to avoid conflict and negative reactions from others. They may not know it, but people pleasers are often too nice. And being too nice is often motivated by a fear of displeasing others.
Why are people too nice?
Rather than risk receiving disapproval, people pleasers become more concerned with being liked than with relying on their own moral compass. So, they become “nice”.
What happens when people are too nice?
People pleasers control their behavior to ensure their actions do not offend others.
People pleasers avoid any behavior, words, or actions that might upset or hurt other people.
People pleasers try to win the approval of others and thereby avoid anger or disapproval (and other negative emotions).
This is the assumption that most “people pleasers” have:
“If I cater to the wants and needs of others, put their interests before my own, go along with everything, and never make waves or say anything uncomfortable for anyone else in your professional relationships, then others will like me and think I’m competent.”
This assumption is inaccurate and must be reexamined!
Instead of being nice, we challenge you to be:
Direct and honest. To be honest is to express your thoughts, feelings, and emotions authentically. This allows others to see the real you.
True to yourself. Refuse to sacrifice your sense of self to appease others. Be proud of yourself and pursuing your truths, regardless of what other people think.
Be assertive and stick up for yourself. Make smart choices from a place of power and wisdom, instead of from a place of conflict avoidance and people pleasing.
When you drop the need to be nice and when you drop the fear of conflict, feedback becomes easier. And when feedback becomes easier to give, you will enhance your quality of life, relationships, self-esteem, sense of power, and peace of mind.
How to know if you are a people pleaser
If you answer yes to any of these questions, it’s a sign you are a people pleaser:
When you observe signs of sadness, frustration, anger, tension, disappointment, or any other painful feeling in others, do you feel an urge to fix it?
Do you assume that it was your actions or words that contributed to other people’s discomfort?
Do you have a hard time saying no?
Do you find it difficult to give direct and honest feedback to others?
Do you avoid conflict at all costs?
Would you self-identify as a people pleaser?
Why do we have a culture of “niceness”?
Most humans are socialized to people please. As children grow older, they are taught to be polite by their parents and teachers. This politeness carries over into adulthood and produces an irrational fear of breaking rules or doing something inappropriate. As children grow up, they become scared of doing something wrong, fearful of making mistakes, terrified of being “rude,” and start to apologize preemptively for things that are not even remotely worthy of an apology!
Research indicates that our fear of losing approval usually stems from a primal experience of safety in numbers. The Conscious Leadership Group shares that all human beings have a desire for three things:
Approval
Control
Validation
It’s no wonder we are hardwired to be nice!
Why is giving feedback so hard?
We are reluctant to give feedback to people, including colleagues and superiors, often believing that doing so will cause more harm than good. In reality, people tend to remember the bad things that have happened after they have given feedback in the past, rather than remembering the positive outcomes.
You might remember: “That time I spoke my truth and gave feedback to Sally… yeah she did get upset. She stopped liking me. I shouldn’t have given her feedback. I shouldn’t have said anything at all. Giving feedback is bad, see?”
Our selective memory helps to perpetuate our tendency to be nice and polite, which hinders us from getting better at giving feedback.
Why being nice doesn’t work
Parents use tough love to communicate to children that they must abide by the rules, but once those children become adults, parents hope the lessons will have prepared them to be direct, assertive, confident, persistent, bold, outspoken leaders. Confusing, yes?
People who have been conditioned to fear disapproval and rejection are often afraid to speak their minds and say what they think. This can lead to inappropriate outbursts of anger, or it may cause individuals to bottle up their feelings and remain silent rather than face conflict.
What’s the cost of being “too nice” on your life?
Reflection questions:
How would your life be different if you weren’t afraid of what other people think?
What if you could say no to unreasonable requests without feeling guilty?
What if you could set boundaries at work and in your personal life whenever necessary?
What if you could ask for what you wanted, when you wanted it?
What if your ability to accept and handle conflict and disapproval shifted in the other direction?
If you are aware of a situation that requires giving feedback to someone, you can dispel pent-up feelings, allow them to grow, and prevent rumination. If you don’t give feedback, bad behaviour may continue and can even become more complicated.
Giving feedback gets easier starting now
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Giving feedback gets easier starting now 〰️
10 ways to make giving feedback easier
These tactics will make it easier for you to give feedback with radical candor, as you will learn to drop the idea that you must always be nice and make everybody like you.
1. Get curious about your discomfort
The first step to change is acceptance and awareness. So, notice your own habits around discomfort, disapproval, and conflict. Be curious without judgment. Things to pay attention to:
Pay attention to situations in which you seek approval and acceptance.
Pay attention to your discomfort around being honest or direct.
Notice when you’re uncomfortable with someone having unpleasant feelings.
Notice how much you avoid saying or doing things to make sure no one ever feels upset.
Notice how much you manage, control, and construct what you say to preserve everyone’s feelings.
2. Practice being uncomfortable with disapproval and conflict
It’s important to build emotional resilience and emotional agility. Truthfulness is not bad. It can create trust and helps other people grow. One way to do this is to practice having casual disagreements in all aspects of your life.
The ability to disagree with others in a casual way, without causing hard feelings or anger, is an important interpersonal skill. Keep things simple and simply practice expressing your opinions and needs.
Example:
Them: “Starbucks has the best coffee.”
You: “Oh really? I prefer JJ Bean coffee.”
Disagreeing with someone can be difficult, but if you start practicing casual disagreements, you start to build those disagreement muscles!
3. Ask questions during conflict
To become more comfortable with disagreements, you can begin by asking clarifying questions and getting curious when you find yourself in times of disagreement with somebody else.
Humans don’t like to be told what to do.
People respond much better to guidance than commands so learning to ask questions is a great way to face conflict directly. Encourage other people to reflect on the results of their decisions as this may help them realize they have overlooked flaws in their thinking.
Examples:
Tell me more about [the idea you disagree with].
What are potential obstacles that may get in the way of implementing [decision you disagree with]?
I’m curious about [their idea or decision].
4. Reframe your assumptions
There are certain beliefs that are conditioned in people pleasers from childhood. It takes time to de-condition these deep-rooted assumptions so be patient with yourself.
Here are a few affirmations from Dr. Aziz Gazipura that we suggest you try on:
You are not responsible for other people’s feelings.
I’m not for everybody.
It’s good to discover what I want.
It’s good to ask for what I want.
It’s good to say what I want.
It’s good to say what I don’t want.
It’s good to put myself first.
5. Build emotional resilience
Developing the capacity to endure discomfort will enable you to break free from the cage of niceness and feel uncomfortable with conflict and giving feedback. Getting comfortable with discomfort allows you to become more courageous, brave, and authentic.
By accepting discomfort, one can grow and achieve more.
The truth is, no matter how safe, controlled, and predictable you make your life, you cannot eliminate discomfort. Even if you play it extra-nice and avoid all risks — you will still have to experience discomfort.
6. Practice asking for what you want
Unfortunately, many of us learn that being honest about our needs and thoughts is considered inappropriate or selfish. We feel guilty about asking for what we want or speaking directly as we assume that makes us bad people. This guilt-based repression only prevents us from becoming more resilient and can ultimately lead to resentment toward those around us.
People cannot read your mind. When you withhold information or fail to give feedback, no one else will do it for you. Giving feedback and disagreeing with people is not as scary as you’d thought. The more you practice, the easier it gets, and the more courageous you become.
Disagreements can be just as productive as agreements. People may have a negative reaction from time to time, but they soon return to their normal levels, I promise!
6. Practice not apologizing
You may often apologize to others, even when you haven't done anything wrong. For example, you might apologize when a stranger bumps into you or when you interrupt your friend.
Repeated use of the word “sorry” can diminish your credibility by making you seem as though you are apologizing for simply being there.
Pay attention to how many times a day or a week you apologize. Then, commit to stop apologizing for things that don’t actually require an apology for a whole week. The only time you apologize is when you really were out of line or inappropriate.
7. Find a new goal
Instead of having goals to have everybody like you, how can you reframe these old beliefs into new beliefs that support you to being true to yourself and your growth?
If your primary belief isn’t to make sure everyone likes you, you may resonate with a new belief such as:
To be known.
To connect with others in an honest way.
To grow.
To challenge myself.
To be as authentic to myself as I can be.
To align with my values.
To know I am enough.
To be comfortable with discomfort as they will make me braver.
8. Learn your CliftonStrengths
People who are empathetic and sensitive can find it challenging to give feedback, accept disagreement, and put their own needs first. If you have dominant StrengthsFinder themes such as Empathy, Harmony, Positivity, Developer, Woo, Responsibility and Relator, this can be very challenging. The anxiety that stems from worrying about disappointing or upsetting another person while giving feedback can keep you from being honest and clear.
On the other hand, people who possess the dominant CliftonStrength of Command (and Self-Assurance) usually better relate to giving feedback, holding debates, and disagreeing with others. They are less likely to be afraid of conflict and are comfortable expressing their dissent.
However, people who are more empathetic, high in Harmony, and low in Command, may be able to tell when someone else is feeling strong emotions, even if the other person tries to hide these emotions. These people may also be able to pick up on emotions like anxiety, anger, hurt and others that can impact their own emotional state.
Building self-awareness of your natural CliftonStrengths can help you determine why giving feedback or managing conflict may be difficult for you.
Take the CliftonStrengths assessment and learn more about CliftonStrengths coaching. (Want a 25% discount to the StrengthsFinders assessment? Email us here!)
9. Learn your Enneagram
Certain Enneagram types (Enneagram 2, Enneagram 6, Enneagram 9) may find giving feedback difficult as they are (generally) most likely to be people pleasers who prefer to keep the peace. Enneagram Type 5 and Enneagram Type 8 may find giving feedback easier.
All Enneagram types have trouble with conflict and deeper reflection will help you develop a strategy that works for your type. Take the Enneagram assessment to build self-awareness around your natural approach to giving feedback and managing conflict.
10. Practice saying “no”
Practicing how to say no will build up your discomfort muscles. Getting comfortable with “no” is a great way to build resilience that will ultimately make giving feedback and ending your time as a people pleaser, easier.
Access 35+ templates to kickstart your new phase of saying no.
The bottom line: when you stop worrying about being too nice, giving feedback becomes easier
Remember, the opposite of nice is not to be a jerk, but to be honest, direct, and bold. And as you stop being a people pleaser, giving feedback will become easier for you as it will become second nature to be honest and be radically candid from a place of care and growth.